Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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