it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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