Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
