If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
