I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Let's get the cat blown out
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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