Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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