thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
