I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
