Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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