So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
