Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
