my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
