Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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