Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
