Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
