Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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