He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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