I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
