Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
