I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
