somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
