i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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