Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize