Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
