he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
