so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
