The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
