I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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