i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I look better un-naked...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
