I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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