420 ftw
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
