I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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