I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
