i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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