Im at strip club and am horny
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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