I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
