I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
