chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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