She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
