Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
