I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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