you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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