If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
