like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Randomize
