Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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