Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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