ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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