420 ftw
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
