Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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