I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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