Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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