So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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