Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
