Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
