normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
