Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
