My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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