The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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