Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
